Let's play catch-up..

Hola. Bien Venido!

Did I spell that right? I don't even REMOTELY speak Spanish. I mean, I can say cat and dog and toilet but that's about it. And boobies.


I know that the lack of updates around here has been NON-EXISTENT but, I've been really fucking busy. I mean, DETROIT BIKE EXPO is coming up and I don't even have the damn Bicyclists Accident Report yet! I am STRETCHIN MYSELF THIN. (And yet, I have gained weight...irony...what a bitch.)


And did I mention that I'm fucking moving?! I've been working on a house for like, the past week! I've been spackling cracks, sanding stuff down and anything else you think a new home person would be doing. Being a room-mate is tough work, yo! Not to mention all of the buying of tools...that I don't need. But hey, I had a desire to look "professional". Boosh.


Anyways, are those valid excuses? You bet your sweet ass they are. Between a job, trying to have a social life and work that I actually get paid to do, I'm one busy bee. But, no more. You deserve updates AT LEAST every other day and I am here to tell you that, come hell or high water, you will get them. GUARANTEED.


Notice the logo? Yeah, you're right, that shit IS tight. A good friend of mine Annie Tanalski put that together for me. Hilariously, she said it was a rough draft! Me? I think it's just about the most perfect thing I could ever ask for so I'm using it. Keepin it minimal and classy...ohhh yeah. She also made a version that's more of a gold/bronze that may be used in upcoming redesigns of the site. Check it.

Dope, right? I still prefer the black and white version but I'll keep this lil beauty tucked away in my back pocket for a rainy day.

Since the logo is "finished" (and I like it), I've also gone ahead and started working more on  Commute-A-Saurus.com. The domain is purchased and I'm talking with a friend who is a website magician. We'll see what he comes up with. BLOGGER is great but I want more. I want to own my own domain. I want to be able to advertise with the Googles! I want people to get a woody when they see how classy my front page is! My aspirations; get with them or get the fuck out. 


WORK (Rochester Bike Shop) has been crazy. A shipment of 113 bikes showed up a few days ago...

Look, I know in the scheme of things 113 doesn't sound like a lot BUT please remember that these bikes had to come off of a truck and make theire way into the shop. That journey resulted in us moving bikes back and forth for about 45 minutes. It was a thing of beauty to watch...like a finely oiled time piece.


As crazy as work has been, it's also been a blast. I'm in a shop that puts the customer over ANYTHING else and really, that's all I can ask for. And man oh man do they treat their employees well. High five to all my boys and girls from the shop. You're good peoples. And I'm glad you like my tight pants.


Oh, and did I mention I'm internet famous? Check it out.


So, this late night post is over. Check back soon for more updates and the ever illusive Seagull Bags Post! Hell, I might never put it up! Make it like the basement at the Alamo! MERELY A LEGEND.


Later, Hombres.

DETROIT NEEDS HELP (a very wordy post)

As the title suggests, this is going to be a VERY word heavy post. It's not typical of the blog and I feel that I owe you a warning before plunging fist first into the subject matter. Real talk.


You've been warned.


Many of you may have seen this story a while back. An 86 year old, WWII veteran was fucking carjacked at a gas station after he got out of his BIBLE STUDY. His attacker snuck up from behind, hit him, stole his keys and sped off. But that wasn't the only injustice the older gentleman had to suffer that day.


After his car was stolen, Aaron Brantley (the WWII veteran), crawled from the pump all the way to the gas station door. During his journey to the service station, DOZENS of people walked right by him, paying him no mind. No one offered to help. No one asked if he was ok. They just went about their daily business like a man crawling on the ground, moaning and groaning, was  common place. Nothing out of the ordinary.


Look, people, I get it. It's Detroit. And sure, there's a lot of undesirables and homeless people. And sure, sometimes they bug you for money and act a fool and it's annoying...


BUT IF YOU SEE SOMEONE CRAWLING ON THE FUCKING GROUND, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT AGE THEY ARE OR WHAT COLOR THEIR SKIN IS, ASK IF THEY NEED HELP. JUST ASK. THEY'RE A HUMAN BEING. THEY DESERVE THAT MUCH AT THE VERY LEAST.


I mean, for fucks sake he had on bright blue athletic pants and a sweat shirt! He came straight from bible study. I don't know about everyone else but a well dressed, 86 year old African American man doesn't seem to pose much of a threat. And if you see pictures of the poor guy he looks like a totally friendly dude. I can't wrap my head around why someone wouldn't help him out.

Oh, and did I mention that the car stolen at the gas station was the car he bought BECAUSE someone stole his last one? The world is a full of fucking assholes. However, there's a semi-happy ending to this story.


The twat responsible for all of Mr.Brantleys troubles was caught.  


Paris Keith Gomillion (who is, undoubtedly, the biggest piece of shit in the world) has been a parole absconder since 2009. He faces life in prison if he's convicted. Sounds pretty fantastic, right? Finally get this piece of shit off the streets and behind bars where he belongs. But I can't help but feel that if Detroit had a little more money or someone with more common sense than a fourth grader running the city, that this all could have been avoided. You know, because they would have went and found the fucker within the 3 years he was walking the streets? Perfect example of why an unbiased Emergency Manager would/could make a huge difference. JUST SAYIN.


Anyways, hopefully this fucker goes to jail forever. Hilariously, he entered a plea of "Not Guilty". But something tells me it ain't gonna stick. You know what will stick though? His cellmates genitals. In his butt. BOOSH.


Sorry to get so serious on you guys. I know you prefer the laid back, relaxing nature of this blog but every once and a while, I gotta get real. Check back soon for some happy time nonsense and a smile and a hug from me. Ok? 


And in the mean time, please watch out for your fellow man/woman.

Quit yer belly-achin!

Yes, I know it's been a few days since I've updated the blog.


No, it is not going away.


Yes, I am working on a "new design" for the blog.


Yes, it is a dot com.


Yes, there is going to be a full post this week including the illusive "Seagull Bags" video post.


Yes, I am MOVING. 


YES I STILL LOVE YOU.


Look, sometimes you wake up and have to move out of your house. And by have to, I mean you're given the fantastic opportunity by a wonderful friend who thinks you're good at cutting grass.


I am pretty good at cutting grass.


So, with all of that being said, I've been busy inventorying the things I actually need to take versus the things I want to take. And getting my bills paid. And making sure that money is going to be coming into the bank accounts so that all of my adult activity can continue.


But don't worry, kids. Papa didn't forget about you. I'll drop some glorious knowledge on you in the next few days. Until then, PEEP THIS.

Monday Mash Up

So, I'm old. Probably. 


I've got a shit ton of gray hair and when I wake up in the morning, my entire body feels like balsa wood. BRITTLE. AND BROWN.


With that being said, I still find time to do shit like this. 

What is that? It's a still from the video review I promised you of my Seagull Bags Backpack. Is it finished? Eh, not really. It's what Hollywood would call being in "post-production". Will it be finished today?


NO ONE CAN KNOW THAT FOR SURE. NOT EVEN ME.


Tonight is the Stan's No-Tubes Product Clinic down at Rochester Bike Shop. If you haven't already, you should probably plan on being there. Tons of free stuff and copious amounts of priceless information! Plus, you get to hang out with me which is probably something you've been dying to do forever but too afraid to actually ask to do.


Don't worry, America. I don't bite.


The internet is full of surprises. If you're looking for a picture of black men pretending to be boards, look no further. Wanna see a picture of a woman holding her own fecal matter and proclaiming what a "giant turd!" it is? Well, here you go. But it wasn't until recently that I discovered that there's a website dedicated ENTIRELY TO EATING FUCKING NACHOS...which is one of my favorite food groups.


NachosNy.com is, as you probably ascertained, is a website about different nachos in New York. It's...glorious. There's pictures of different nachos, reviews of nachos, ideas on how to improve on nachos and tons of nacho swag! Who could resist the pull of this site? Well, besides people who are lactose intolerant? 

LIFE BEGINS AT ERECTION-Rick Santorum

ONLY THE SOULLESS. 

Check out their site and then drive to my house with a gigantic plate of nachos and beer. It'll be nice to see you and catch up on old times! And eat nachos. Mostly, the nacho part. You're not doing too much with your life and your mother and I are pretty disappointed in you. 

Yes, I know your mother.

Anyways, I've got work to do. As always, your continued patronage to this site makes my boy parts swell with pride. Check back soon and I'll have a video of me yelling at a cool backpack.

Smell ya later. 

Mother Fucker

So, obviously the Seagull Bags 1 month post isn't here. But, the real question is, why? Allow me to shed some light on things.


I'm not sure everyone realizes this but a lot of times, I start writing some of these posts days in advance. I'll get a good idea, start writing and save it to come back to later. Such was the case with the 1 month Seagull Bags post.


BUT APPARENTLY BLOGSPOT HAD A BETTER IDEA BECAUSE NOW THAT POST IS GONE. POOF. DISAPPEARED.

Le Sigh.


So, instead of taking the time to write out all my hilarious jokes and musings, I've decided I'm just going to do a video review of it.


"WAIT, WHAT? VIDEO? RICH, OMG YOU MADE US SO HAPPY."


This is the reaction I was hoping for. If that is not your reaction..tough shit. It's going to be easier on me plus everyone can see how good I look. RIGHT?

Obviously, with video, I have to edit it. So don't give me any guff if it takes me a few days. I'm going to try and have everything done by noon on Monday. But if it doesn't happen, I'm sorry. THIS IS A ONE MAN SHOW AND I STILL HAVE TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND TALK TO LADIES, ok? Sheesh!


For all you bikers out there, Rochester Bike Shop is hosting a Stan's No-Tubes clinic on Monday the 27th. We have a TON of shit to give away. Gift cards, pint classes, Gu energy shots, t-shirts, hats, bibs, etc. Be there at 6:30 to sign up for the raffle and then enjoy the wealth of information that will be bestowed upon you for FREE. Rochester Bike Shop does that for you. Because we love ya. More information here. Yes there will be beer. And like the knowledge, it too shall be free.


Speaking of Stan's, I came up with a REALLY funny Stan's joke. Ready?


Q:What do Stan's and all the girls I date have in common?


A: NO-TUBES!


Oh, c'mon. That's comedy gold!


KING KOG,in Brooklyn, looks like a cool bike shop. It's the kind of bike shop I'd love to own/operate if and when I'm ever financially well off. Check it.

I love how small the store looks from the outside and then you get inside and BOOM! It's still small! (ha!) All jokes aside, when I get my shop up and running, that's the size I'm looking for. It just makes all the interactions with your customers/friends more intimate. Plus, it's easier to pass out beer. Check out KING KOG here. 


Alright kids, it's time for Daddy to start his day. You be good. We'll catch you on the flip.

And Packzi Day!

Today is the second best holiday next to Halloween. 


PACKZI DAY.

Under normal circumstances (read: no fucking snow) my butt would be down in Hamtramck at Smalls, eating delicious Packzis and drinking beer and being an all around sloppy drunk. But, I've got work that needs finishing. No partying for this guy. Nope, Mr.Responsibility has to get some stuff done.


I mean, I guess I could get drunk at home?! Alone? Does anyone know of a place to delivers Packzis?


Here's a little video from Sadie over at Hip in Detroit. She's a nice lady and drinks alcohol quite well. (And she's dating my friend Matt)

Packzi Bombs? Holy shit on a stick. Mixing donuts+booze is an easy way to secure your spot in Hell. Am I right? 


This year, Smalls is having Polka Floyd play "The Wall" in its entirety and I've got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I should have planned out my day better. Have a drunk Fat Tuesday, everyone! 


Oh, and everyone should head over to Facebook and like the Commute-A-Saurus page. This way, you're updated with all the information about the things that are happening. All the things. 

Playin Catch Up

It has been one BUSY ass week, boys and girls. I've got a lot of fantastic news and stuff...BUT I AIN'T TELLIN YOU YET. It's secret! 

Finnnnnne! I can let some of it go, I guess. 

I found a screen printer for the Commute-A-Saurus cycling caps we'll be giving away at Detroit Bike City. It's a LITTLE more than I wanted to spend but luckily my taxes have my back. Thanks a lot, Michigan. You're the bee's knees. Plus the shop is  local so it's nice to give back to the community I've taken so much away from.

On top of all that, instead of me making the logo, I've got a friend who is a true artist (and not an MSPAINT artist, like myself) working on it. She's got an eye for all things art and this logo will truly be something of beauty. Truly it will be compared to other famous logos of its time. Dairy Queen? Burger King? Google? I don't wanna make any promises but it will inevitably be way better than those.

Does it feel like it's been a month(ish) since I've gotten my Seagull Bags Backpack? That's because it has! I've got a full post coming about that sometime before 5 o'clock. I didn't wanna just phone it in so I actually took some time to really explore the subtle intricacies of our relationship...

Yeah, I know that sounds fucking stupid. But me and this bag have a love thing going on. Real Talk.

Check out this fucking awesome little kid that was in Rochester Bike Shop yesterday. His name's Indy and he'll inevitably grow up to raid tombs! 

Yes, he does crash at the end. No, HE DID NOT CRY. Not even a little bit. Rad little dude just stood up, picked up the bike, and kept going. Gave me hope for our future generations. And, no, I did not just film a random child. His dad was doing it! And yes, that handsome silhouette of a man on the left side of the video close to the end is me. You're welcome, ladies. 

Check back before 5 for the Seagull Bags Anniversary post. It's sure to be hilarious. Until then, try not to die.